Tuesday, January 12, 2016

No. No no no no no. No.

I knew the day would come.  Today was the day.  It wasn't suppose to happen this soon.

Four inches of snow on an icy driveway that slopes steeply down towards the road, makes for a nervous momma when the bus is pulling up.  So on these days, I walk Emma down the drive.  Usually giggling (which for the record does not help in the prevention of losing your balance).  Usually shuffling our feet.  Usually, always always arm in arm holding onto one another.

Until today.
No, this can not be.

We could see the bus round the corner and barrel down our road.  Emma asked "will you walk with me?"  Absolutely.  We started off and all was good.  Holding hands.
Then...then, something horrible happened.
Her hand began to fidget.  Was she falling?  I grasped it tighter.  Bigger fidgets.  I still try to grab her hand.  The bus is nearing.  And her hand does the unthinkable, it gave mine "the shake."

Then...then, in that moment, I realized she didn't want to hold my hand.

-time. stood. still.-

Wait.  What?!  This has never happened before.  Stop it.  Just stop it!  This is my baby.  Our hands belong together.  Forever. and. EVER.

In the millisecond it all went down, I wasn't sure if it really happened.  So without thinking, I did what my instincts pushed me to do.
As the door opened on #99, and Mr. Jim gave his morning wave, I wrapped my arms tightly around the little girl growing young girl beside me and planted a kiss on the top of her head as I told her I loved her.

Yep.  I did.

She is tall.  The top of her head comes near to my shoulder.  So it was a small, nonchalant move to give her that kiss on her head.  Maybe her friends didn't see it.  Maybe they did.

She boarded the bus.  I watched the backside of her fashion-foward puffy coat and trendy boots disappear out of site.  The bus rolled away.  And I think a part of my heart rolled away with it.

Why?  Why now?  What was it?  Was it the pajama pants tucked inside my tall brown boots?  Was it the bed-head hair I had going on?  Maybe there was something "poky" on my gloves and it was sticking her.  Ya, right.
I think it was...because she's growing up.

No.  This day was not suppose to happen.  But it did.  Not an easy moment.  But it is a moment of a beautiful daughter who didn't move away too quickly and let that kiss land on her beautiful head.

Thank you Emma.  Thank you for all the hand holding moments we have had.  I have loved every single one of them.  I know you are growing up.  Life is presenting things that are taking on a more important role.  But never doubt for a second, my hand will always be there ready to hold when you need it.
Love you...to the moon and back and back again, 
Mom

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